struggling to come to terms with life

I totally forgot it is the last day of 2005 today.

instead i'm mired in some sort of a deadlock of sadness. i start to think that this depressiveness may occur with increasing frequency until it inevitably becomes permanent and irreversible. i find it difficult to converse with most people now. its getting more and more awkward. i cannot form sentences properly, i cannot hold a conversation for longer than a few sentences before
the other side tunes out of me. i can't answer properly, tongue daggers fly all around and into me, but i am so numb i stand there to receive more for awhile. then i will walk slowly away and into hiding. i hide in vain, and while i do i take conscious effort to immerse myself in the pain. i don't even know what too say to my classmates. i lose my dignity and self respect.

pain is the refuge i take from paina circular path that knows no endmaybe i am turning autistic. i feel bad after my class gathering last night...hell i even had the impression it was on another day. can't seem to communicate, just feel as awkward as ever. dont know what to say. just sat on
the lone stool, at the back of the circle...withdrawing from the social
realm.

laugh when they laugh,
but i don't know what's so funny,
smiling to all the faces at once,
not even the walls smile back at me

increasingly i want to be alone, but loneliness is what i want to escape from.

i wish i didn't go for that barbeque. because i don't know what to say, i'm lost and i can't communicate. so lost.

if i become autistic, i just hope i get asperger's syndrome too.

i am trying very hard. sometimes it scares me how a certain thought could seem to lift me up high for a while. i get bewildered, i disbelieve, and then i fall. the ground is very hard and it hurts. i can't get up and i just want to cry like a little fallen boy. to seek attention and pity. but didn't i just say i want to be left alone?

life seems so cold and hard...i struggle to carry on, slowly and sorrowfully
i trudge along.